I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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