the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dignity is for republicans.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
