you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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