I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
