I skipped work to stalk him.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
