My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize