Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
