Cold hands, warm shart.
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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