I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
