last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
