Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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