Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
