Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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