in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
