I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
