It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
cat food counts as protein by the way
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
