My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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