and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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