im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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