I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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