saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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