I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
there is glitter all over my balls
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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