Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize