i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
