I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
