Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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