when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
