I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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