hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
im six kinds of drunk right now
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
