She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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