im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
