She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Your cock deserves a montage
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
