I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
