mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
