fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
