My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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