No awkward lesbian experiences without me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
