i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize