the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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