I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
