Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize