i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
