I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
