oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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