Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You dont lie about slip and slides
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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