I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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