Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
