Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize