I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
