now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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