Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
