Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
