Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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