What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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