I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize