If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
