i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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