I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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