so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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