Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
