That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize