Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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