That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the day after is always just damage control
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
