You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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