just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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