fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize